What if God was one of us? Or Optimus Prime...
7/5/09
I visited the excellent bash.org some time ago to find, to my great delight, that some man/woman/Internet virus of great mental calibre had decided to take excerpts from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (to the best of my knowledge) and replace the word "wand" with "wang". This led to far more interesting book. I have never read Harry Potter but nor have I read any of the other literature in the 3+ section of the high street bookstore in which I found it. I do not see why that should change just because J.K. Rowling got an OBE. Lucky bint.
Moreover, this inspired me to do something similar. Since I am not a man of original ideas, I have decided to perform a similar experiment - hopefully you can figure out what I replaced with what:
1 In the beginning Optimus Prime created the heaven and the earth. 2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Optimus Prime moved upon the face of the waters. 3 And Optimus Prime said, Let there be light: and there was light. 4 And Optimus Prime saw the light, that it was good: and Optimus Prime divided the light from the darkness. 5 And Optimus Prime called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
I decided that the first day of the creation story was enough. The Bible is a little wordy. Let's try something almost as fun, from the Gospel according to Matthew:
(For those who are unsure, Hound was an Autobot.)
4:1 Then Hound was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the Decepticon Leader. 4:2 When he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was hungry afterward. 4:3 The tempter came and said to him, "If you are the Son of Optimus Prime, command that these stones become bread."
4:4 But he answered, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of Optimus Prime.'"
4:5 Then the Decepticon Leader took him into the holy city. He set him on the pinnacle of the temple, 4:6 and said to him, "If you are the Son of Optimus Prime, throw yourself down, for it is written, 'He will give his angels charge concerning you.' and,
'On their hands they will bear you up, So that you don't dash your foot against a stone.'"
4:7 Hound said to him, "Again, it is written, 'You shall not test the Autobot Commander, your Optimus Prime.'"
4:8 Again, the Decepticon Leader took him to an exceedingly high mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of the world, and their glory. 4:9 He said to him, "I will give you all of these things, if you will fall down and worship me."
4:10 Then Hound said to him, "Get behind me, Megatron! For it is written, 'You shall worship the Autobot Commander your Optimus Prime, and him only shall you serve.'"
4:11 Then the Decepticon Leader left him, and behold, angels came and ministered to him.
I could make some point about how this is just as plausible as the original "events" in The Bible (in case you're having to think about it, it is). However, this is too perfect on its own.
Hallowed be thy name, Optimus Prime.