Star Trek

6/6/09

I went to the see the new Star Trek film - I was impressed. Zachary "Sylar" Quinto's Spock was superb; Chris "who the fuck is this dude?" Pine portayed the young, rash Kirk accurately, down to the last, lecherous pass at Uhura; and a red security guard got killed, just like in the original series. Yes, it was J.J. "unfeasibly convoluted plotline" Abrams. This meant a move away from some of the cerebral nature of the other series (particularly the original). No doubt Star Trek geeks will have mean frothing at the mouth with virgin rage at the Enterpise having three instead of four dorsal phaser banks. Or whatever - trouble is, nobody gave a shit.

Star Trek has finally done what it always should have - big guns, cool ships and blowing shit up. This reboot of the entire Universe (albeit explained with a somewhat deus ex machina plotline) is exactly what the franchise needed. I think what many Star Trek fans have wanted is something they can call "Star Trek" and not need to feel like they have to be acne-ridden, obsessive, social rejects in order to be fans. However, despite the protest of many of this class, the Star Trek franchise (new film excluded) suffers from one major flaw: it's really shit.

Take Star Trek: Voyager. What a turd. What a massive turd. No fan, no matter how dedicated can defend this series. It was last bit of urine to be sprayed at unwitting viewers by Star Trek and should have killed the franchise. Let me roughly sum up the characters that didn't evolve or change in anyway during the seven years it was on air:

• Captain Kathryn Janeway: tough; never makes a wrong decision; why didn't they go the whole fucking hog and call her Jesus H. Janeway?
• Commander Chakotay: I'm so spiritual! I'm so spiritual! I'm such a thinly and poorly veiled attempt at exploring ideas of religion. Badly. I'm also incredibly generic.
• Lieutenant Commander Tuvok: like a really shit version of Spock and only in it because they hadn't had a Vulcan as main character since the original series. Double token: black Vulcan.
• Lieutenant Tom Paris: this one pissed me off - he's meant to be some rebellious crazy fuck. He showed this by obeying all orders for seven years and intergrating really well with everybody. Way to build a congruous character.
• Lieutenant B'elanna Torres: half-Klingon, half-human, all stereotype. Oh my God! I'm so conflicted! Grrr! I'm always angry because of aformentioned conflict! Grrr! It's almost like a really crass attempt at tackling the issues of being mixed race. You could just have an angry black-and-white dog in the corner, growling occasionally, and replace this excuse for a character.
• Ensign Harry Kim: apart from being the token Far-eastern dude, he also never did anything. At no point in the series did anything about his character become apparent because he was the fictional equivalent of magnolia - nobody cared. Honest to God, the only way his character could have been more boring was if they'd replaced him with a shitload of air.
• Neelix: fucking Star Trek comic relief. The only way this character could have been good is if they'd spent an episode having him raped by all the other characters. I'd have paid to see that.

Shit, I've gone on too long. The problem is most of the series were of the same level. Then they released Enterprise with Scott "should have done Battlestar: Galactica like the other dude from Quantum Leap" Bakula. That was a turd too, but I gave up watching that so I can't be bothered to criticise it.

Basically, if anybody tells you Star Trek in any shape or form other than the new film is good, they're an idiot. Well except for the last 4 seasons of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. They were pretty good. Oh, and a fair bit of Star Trek: The Next Generation. And the Original Series. A lot that was alright.

Oh shut the fuck up - it was mostly still shit. If you like Star Trek, I don't want to talk to you.

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